She Had Secrets…

Her frozen hair crackled in the breeze, slapping her reddened cheeks making them sting that much more, her worn ragged jacket almost kept her from shivering, but even this was better than staying home with her ever angry mother. School offered a welcome break from the tension, as long as she could stay invisible, The moment the popular kids caught sight of her she would enter her other hell.  Teased for worn out jeans, and sweaters that had seen better days was only where they would start, But having been trained well at home on how to take a beating, or a tongue lashing, She knew how to brace for the onslaught.

None of this mattered, she knew that one day this would all be in the past. She could take all that could be dished, But even the strongest of souls can have a weak moment.  She had read somewhere that it was an overdose from aspirin that could not be reversed, so she took what was left in the bottle. It wasn’t very many, maybe 12 at most, but she thought it would do the job…..The next morning she knew that it had not been sufficient, having only a strange numbness in her scalp, everything else was the same. Although she had failed, she was relieved that she was still around to smell the flowers.


That was me at the tender age of 14. I attempted suicide, Only that one time. I don’t know  what exactly brought me to the breaking point, but I know that it had to be something bad, I took on the brunt of my mothers anger, so that my younger brother and sister weren’t as tormented. I learned how to block out noises, I learned how to hold still while being whipped with a willow branch, I learned how to cover up bruises, I learned how to lie, I learned a great many things. My mother in law seemed to think I was overstating the facts, until she met my mother. I in fact have always UNDER stated the facts.  Why? 1. because most people don’t believe you, and 2. no matter how bad it was? there are still other people out there that have it much much worse.  How I knew that so young I don’t know, but I knew. The most important thing is that I am still here, and I STILL like smelling the flowers!

So…..I want to know…and I probably never will, what happens to a person that really does loose their hold on sanity? do they go somewhere deep inside? if they do, who is the personality that replaces the “real” you? Why are some strong and others weak? There are so many questions… many Lost people…That makes me sad.

I had a good day today, It thundered and rained, Hubby and I went grocery shopping, I rested quite a bit, watched some TV with Hubby, played with my Fuurriends, Watched some You Tube, checked my emails….  How did you spend Your Sunday?

Sorry tomorrow is Monday….But we still get to smell the Flowers!!


About dhowell9000

50 years old, Happily Married to my soul mate, raised 5 children, have 6 grandchildren, Have 3 dogs and 3 cats (rescued all) Work Part time in a drugstore, and make Creative Stuff of all kinds in my Free Time
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9 Responses to She Had Secrets…

  1. I’m so sorry you had to be mistreated , especially by the person, who should have loved and protected you from such abuse. Sending a hug!

    • dhowell9000 says:

      Thank You Jackie. Its Odd, That as bad as I knew things were, I didn’t really know any better? I mean, we grew up this way, so we were just used to it. My Dad never once spoke to me after school to ask me anything or even say hello….He did have a brain tumor, I don’t know if that’s why he was so….absent minded or not….it was just odd. I appreciate Your kindness, but I have forgiven her. She WAS diagnosed bi-polar but even now refuses to take medicine, and I took care of her sort of until 2010, I just couldn’t do it anymore.

  2. Janelle says:

    I’m so touched by this. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing. Don’t discount your struggles. Just because someone may be going through something that seems worse, that doesn’t make your experience any better. Pain is the same everywhere.

    • dhowell9000 says:

      Thanks Janelle 🙂 . I am so grateful for life itself. There will always be moments of pain in a life lived, But OH! The moments of joy are so worth all the struggles!! I am at peace today, and I feel like the most blessed in all the world! ( But she still has many memories to share….. 😀 )

  3. I don’t know what to say. You wrote this beautifully. At first as I was reading this I was hoping this was just some kind of story you were writing. And then, “That was me at 14.” I am soo sorry you and your siblings went through this. I had such a normal childhood. Even as a teenage I saw others with much different childhoods then I had and I was very grateful for what I had. Sending you a big hug! Bright blessings to you each day.

    • dhowell9000 says:

      Thank you Shirley 🙂 . I think when we are young, we tend to just accept things the way they are, I was even homeless once and my aunt asked “why didn’t you ask for help?” Honestly? it never crossed my mind. I am so used to going it alone, if you never had “parents” to ask for…..well anything……then you just always take care of what you need to. I didn’t mean for you to feel badly, And I am so super happy you “do” appreciate what you have. So many forget there are so many less fortunate.

  4. Wendy Juhl says:

    I don’t know why some are strong and others weak. I’ve always been strong emotionally/mentally, but not physically (due to my health). Yet, I’ve known people who are the exact opposite and who crumble in situations that wouldn’t even phase me. As for what personality replaces the real person if they bury themselves deep within, well, I think it’s a lot scarier situation than most people believe. I’ve seen the worst-case scenario, but I don’t want to start a controversy on your blog, so I’m not going to state it here. You can ask me if you’d like. I’m glad you had a good day and I hope today is great for you too. Hugs! Wendy

  5. Tracy Shave says:

    When I read this I thought it was me… I was a bit younger I think and thought 6 would do the trick… oodles of love going to you. x

    • dhowell9000 says:

      Thanks Tracy! OOdles of love right back! Sorry you also had bad experiences growing up, I often wonder if it had been different, would I be different? Either way…We are still here, and going strong! Glad you stopped by!

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