Mental Memory BOMB!

I don’t adapt well to change….the weather went from warm and dry to damp and chilly…..My Copd/Asthma went into extreme mode, my hips hurt, last night my feet were cramping to the point where I have to stand, but being tired, tried to rest my top half on the bed……

I watched a documentary before I went to bed….It raised many feelings within me,which I tried to deal with and accept. I mean there’s nothing new….it was called “The Life And Times Of Katrina Somebody”. ( I can’t remember her last name) on HBO. I felt Angry, and sad, and Raw, and irritated at times……
Her story was about being a single mother of 3 at the age of….around 29? I had 3 kids by the age of 21…… And my “boyfriend / baby daddy? Went to jail, came home long enough to marry me, get me pregnant with number 2, then go to prison…..for life. I was 19…..decided the baby boys should have a dad…..I think I was an Asshole magnet back then….I met a guy….major asshole…who gave me baby 3. He ended up a crack addict, and physically abusive. Also a drunk. I didn’t know… I was just trying to get away from my bi- polar mom, who was very verbally abusive among other things….

I guess that’s what you call out of the frying pan and into the fire? I could fill in Soooooooooooo many details? But long story short? Ok? My mom left my then 17 year old little brother to fend for himself, when the landlord of the rented house she/they had been in kicked him out, I took him in….not an ideal place….but not homeless? Him and the “asshole” didn’t get along….the asshole busted my brothers guitar….which was HIS life line back then……being pissed, and wanting revenge? He called CPS… three kids were ripped from me, my four year old, holding on so tight when they pulled him away he drew blood….my other boy was only 2, and my baby girl was only 6 weeks old,….my oldest was screaming for me while kicking and scratching the policeman………you can’t imagine……even if I filled in all the blanks…..the gory details, all the in-betweens…..My “Asshole” kicked me as I sat on my knees, with my hands over my head….crying…..rocking….he kicked me and told me to get up, and quit being a Drama Queen……they tried to say I was abusive, neglective? None of it stuck….but after they were taken? “Asshole” lost his house…and now we were homeless….now what?………..

I was 19 going on 20, Eric was 3 Tony was 1. They were taken away almost 1 year later

I was 19 going on 20, Eric was 3 Tony was 1. They were taken away almost 1 year later

Ughhhhhh I am ranting…..Struggle? Sometimes? I wonder if some people even get it…..go ahead….make fun…..point fingers……whisper…… ( not you who’s reading this of course, but perhaps you have judged someone in your past?) For the record? I abhor drugs and Alcohol…..always have, always will. And I adore my kids….no matter how hard it was some times…..I lost a piece of my soul back then……I think it has taken me till now to even begin getting it back……or trying to……..
Perhaps? That IS the lump in my throat that won’t go away?
Taking a break now……. I will post tonight….better things…..

About dhowell9000

50 years old, Happily Married to my soul mate, raised 5 children, have 6 grandchildren, Have 3 dogs and 3 cats (rescued all) Work Part time in a drugstore, and make Creative Stuff of all kinds in my Free Time
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5 Responses to Mental Memory BOMB!

  1. BubbleArt says:

    Heart wrenching story. I am sorry for all of your pain.
    What is going on with you and I? Why all of these memories? Is it the journaling?

    • dhowell9000 says:

      I think so….and I really wasn’t looking for sympathy, I realize there are so many with struggles, and I never asked for help even when I was going through all of that..I can Just Relate to others with Hard times and /or struggles…I think we all have them, Even if they come in different shapes, Yeah? Thanks for the Empathy, and I’m not sorry….I think it all happens for some good reason, I would not be who I am today without it all… We are Kindred souls I think….

  2. Raine says:

    (((HUGS))) Sometimes we just need to have a verbal vomit! We aren’t looking for sympathy or for someone to “fix” it. We just need to let it out.
    When I think of all that I’ve been through, I remember that everything that has happened to me had contributed to the woman I am today.

    • dhowell9000 says:

      (((Hugs))) back Raine. I Just had an outpouring of emotion when I saw that documentary…I Know she struggled(s) but I guess I just wish that everyone knew that MOST people Struggle…..who doesn’t? every day? someone, somewhere, right now, is eating shit pie….right? We Are not Alone, We have each other!

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