Watching a few of the people I admire, some whom I didn’t even know until now, Vlog Every Day In February. I haven’t got up my nerve to do that yet, Those women are very brave.
I am in a Funk…..I have things to say…..I don’t know how to say all of it at once….and when I try to let out “bits” the rest gets lost for a time…..but its still all there…..needing and wanting to be released. I Used to buy Journals…..and they stayed blank except for the first few pages, Now I make many Journals….I have discovered ART Journaling and this has helped tremendously with getting some thoughts out…..And I have used “some” of the journals I have “made”, but many still remain blank, or even Un-assembled…..I have an Obsession with Paper now….Patterned, and even Blank card-stocks, that I intend on “using” someday….I promise myself many times that it will get used, but instead I just wait for the next paper sale at the craft store and buy more. I have been keeping all the scraps as well….It seems as if I have forgotten how to move forward. I buy all the things I think I might need as well……Glues, Tapes, Kits, chipboard, Rings, Brads, clear and rubber stamps, Ink, And still…..I sit here…..frozen. I am damaged, I had a horrid childhood, but most people can remember it being horrid, or at best not “normal” for we know now that we are grown, that there is no such thing as normal, or perfect, but we still feel broken…..it doesn’t change anything. Sometimes….there are folks that take that brokenness and do even more damage, Sometimes one blames all the wretchedness they feel, on everything else but themselves…..The truth is? Maybe? It was just THEM that was broken in their lives instead of everyone around them. That is when we need to “Own” our shit, not blame it on anyone, especially not on Children, they come into the world innocent. (for the record here, not talking about anyone in particular. this is a “general” statement)
I am sick again in my lungs. Its so scary to really feel like that kid in the commercial says “a fish out of water”. I get a desperate feeling when it gets bad, I am back on steroids. I Knew the Doctor would have put me in the Hospital with this one, so I didn’t go. I heard someone say once that sick people are many times unhappy, which is where the word “Dis-Ease” comes from… I myself FEEL happy, at least for the most part, but I will own that there are parts of me….That are still that young person, Who STILL feels broken…..Who lingers on the bad stuff that happened…..Who cant seem to move PAST the bad stuff, Who Cries when she sees something that reminds her of what She never felt she got enough of, OR too much of, Or who cries during a sad Commercial for Pete’s sake! That Little girl stands with her head down, afraid to look up…..wondering why shes always in trouble…Why she cant do GOOD things…..Why she just cant be like everyone else…..she has been there….with her head down, for a very long time…..When I Art Journal? I catch her peeking….Trying to see if I am writing down how proud I am of her, That she is still here on Earth, and Proud that she tries very hard to help other people know, that they make a difference in this world….Yes…..I want her to know……I AM writing it down…..