I’ve been asking myself that quite often lately. I haven’t posted in quite a long time. My life has been working and taking care of my moms needs….laundry, shopping and whatnot’s….
Let me tell you a bit about a part of “me”…I have spent my life with a Bi-Polar Mother, whom during the youngest years of my life went Undiagnosed, and whom through the rest of her life mostly refused to take the medication to help contain her anger. I am not alone when I say that I relentlessly tried to get her approval and/or adoration, and whom continually failed. I have three sisters and two brothers who all tried as well to no avail. Perhaps it is my youngest sister who seems to me the most damaged, but then again, the levels of damage are all over the place and off the charts at times. I got pregnant at the age of 16, The young man (whom I Unfortunately married later) went to jail for a year, I lived out in the country a half mile from two corner convenience stores (corner stores) I had no drivers license, and no vehicle to drive anyway. My mother decided to teach me what it was truly like to raise kids and packed up her stuff and left me responsible for my 15 year old brother and 13 year old sister, as well as a baby to take care of, which I guess seems to be a horrific thing to do, but we had always fended for ourselves in most ways anyway, the only thing missing now was the money or lack thereof.
Let me stop that part of the story for now….. Later in life…..not much later, My mother decided that to work for a living was to much for her to do, and I started “caring” for her so to speak. she was “only” Bi Polar. but now SHE had no money, and My Husband took her on as my added baggage when we got together and married, so for 25 years? I have “swallowed” any and all anger, sorrow, ect. ect. Now I cant figure out who I am…..who I’m supposed to be….My mom died on January 8th 2016. I cant cry. “Who the HELL are YOU?!?” I ask my reflection daily. I am sad, angry, mortified, lost, guilty…..All the things she continued to give me with abundance, except….Me. Don’t get me wrong, I am a good person. I could have been a better mother to my own children I think, there are times I wish I had done more for them, but they are all doing well. At least I hope they are. This “RANT” is mostly for me I guess…..Just trying to answer so many questions left unanswered. I think my own soul probably already knows the answers, but I cant seem to get it out in the open? I have my Sisters, and mostly I have My Hero = My Husband, who is a Integral part of my life.
Yes. I am Damaged. Now…..I have a theory…..but not a proven fact….cant be (Why? because babies get sick and they don’t have the pent up emotions us grown-ups do)….For the last 25ish years I have been ill, I acquired Asthma and Hashimotos Thyroiditis at 25? and it has continually escalated, I now have Asthma, Hashimotos, Acute Anemia, Arthritis, IBS, Hip Bursitis, Chronic Gastritis, depression, anxiety, Chronic Insomnia….ect…..My theory? what if its what I held shit in for so long? that I made myself sick…. like taking a poison? I have heard that we only use a small percentage of our brains…..WTF? then why even have the other percentage? And if we completely reproduce our cells every 7 years, why do I still have Asthma? and Thyroid problems? Why did my mom hate kids and have 6? Why did she not give us to families that may have wanted us? Why did I take her on instead of getting as far away as possible? Why did I put my kids through having her around? Why did she never let us get to know our grandparents (just the last 3 of us for that one) ? why was my father more like a robot then a real person with feelings? (more about him if I continue the first part of the story)
So, for those of you who read what I write…..I am lost…..I have not created any art since my mom died. I yelled at her back in July of 2015, and she became so much nicer to me. My Husband said I should have done that a LONG time ago. but I was forever afraid of her. I was afraid of making her have a breakdown or a stroke. (both had happened in those younger years) I didn’t want to essentially “kill” her. But she died anyway didn’t she. Now what…..I keep saying that….Now what?
If anyone wants to read about more of the younger years? Let me know. Or maybe I should Write a book like my oldest sister recommended. I can write down the pieces…. don’t know bout a whole book…..
Check These sites out that One of my online Dear Friend And Teacher Tamara Laporte Posted for us, I hope you find it helpful as well.