The Love Hate Thing

Do you have any? I am finding I have one with work…..I love having somewhere to go and I feel like I contribute, but I find that there are days where I just dot want to deal. It’s a good thing you can be fired or I would probably call in often!

I also love and hate my craftiness…..I want to try everything, but I notice most things I get bored of quite easily and I find, after I’ve spent time and money, that perhaps a make and take would have been a better choice?

i love my pets! But I hate that their lives are so short, and I hate the huge vet bills too, even though they make them better most of the time…..😳

I love decorating my home, but I hate that I want to do it again once I’m finished …..even though it takes time it’s very satisfying .

another one of my confusing love hates…….is the weather…..love a thunderstorm, but sometimes hate the rain, love fall, but hate that it’s getting colder, love spring but hate that very hot days are coming……

oh well…..life can be strange, it wouldn’t be as rewarding if it were always plain!

A Thank You And A Time Machine

For the first time…..Ever,  I found myself in a  vehicle…..a magical thing, a magical place, a transporter that took me to places I didn’t know exsisted, brought awe and amazement and knowledge to me in waves…..I wanted to stay……I saw dragons and fairys…..I explored castles and sat with Mahatma Gandhi, there were priests and nuns, there were spirits and deep outer space, I saw the shadows of great Monsters and heard Champions cheer me on, telling me “You Got This”!  I played with white tigers and listened to dogs communicate, the sky was full of diamonds and there was no need for money, there were boats that could float on air and cars that could swim, i ran without getting tired and learned without a forget, I met with Picasso and painted with VanGogh.

You too can travel…..like Robinson Caruso, or Christopher Columbus….it only takes a short while to get there, and you can revisit as often as you like. How you ask?  Simple……too easy actually ……walk into your local bookstore. The whole world …..and many others are at your finger tips…..for that matter…..use a kindle, or any tablet….read a few lines and see where it takes you…..pick up a world atlas and run your finger over the amazon……pick up a photography book and see places that take your breath away….yes …..use your imagination…..find worlds that have never been seen, and music that’s never been heard.

If we traveled back in time to the 16th century and talked of trains planes and automobiles we would probably be called sorcerer, or possibly burned at the stake, and yet imagine that and what do we have? Pen to paper……and paint to canvas……the unbelievable has come to pass….the sorcery was born, not from a wand, but from the mind of man…..what else can we then create? We must be mindful, at peace, and have faith, believe in yourself enough.

‘We have then begun to travel, Through time……to other worlds……to magnificent places…..what if all that came before had never put ink to paper? Paint to canvas? Chisel to stone? We……are…..soooooo important each and every one…..think on that dear friend……think on that….

Cooler Days….

I just got back from a stroll around my local stores and found a “Bella Grace” magazine and I also picked up another Journal ( Yes….I’m addicted to Paper AND Journals) However? Most store purchased Journals? are HORRIBLE……Well to ME anyway, because I prefer blank and most are Lined, AND I use watercolor and Glue and all sorts of things in mine too, so yeah.When I make a journal? I use either 110 pound card stock OR 300 Pound Watercolor paper, Now THAT’S a Journal! But I still Purchase one Now and again.

The “Bella Grace” Magazine was brought up in one of Packer Di’s YouTube videos, and they are expensive, but I think they are SO worth the Money! whether you cut them up and use the images and/or wording, or just collect the Magazine there is so much grace packed into them! I plan on cutting it up for fodder, but I’m gonna read it thoroughly first!

Yes….YES! The days are cooler, and obviously getting shorter, the smell of fall is in the air! I am sipping on my coffee which is laced with cinnamon and nutmeg and Coffeemate caramel machiatto creamer, it makes me feel warm and in the “Fall” mood. I also picked up my favorite wine Wild Vine Blackberry Wine for later. I am feeling Nostalgic, Sad, Happy, Content, and Tired, all wrapped up together…… Ever have one of those days? or Weeks? I’m pretty sure I’m having a week not just a day.

I used my brother Scan-n-cut to cut out a bunch of images I stamped out and I am using my Kuretake Real Brush Pens to color them in! they are looking so festive! Most of them are winter ones, and some are Halloween or Fall ones! I also used those Chameleon pens and I’m not impressed, they are just OK, not that much different from other alcohol markers. I get better results with my Zig real brush pens! I “Plan” on making my own Christmas cards….we’ll see how that turns out, My 7th Grand baby will soon be here and I  need to finish Knitting the blanket I started for her.

Between all my crafting and my job, and my home,and my FUR babies, I stay pretty darn busy, and sometimes a little overwhelmed!  But that is how you stay mobile and breathing! I think it is anyway…? I also need to start really thinking about my craft collection…..and slimming it down? is that even possible? any craft hoarders out there with tips on how to do that? Another Project I plan on Executing in the next two weeks? is a Fire pit. I would love to sit out by the fire while I drink hot coffee maybe even with a little Irish Cream!!

Well, I suppose that is all for now, Whomever still reads this small Blog of mine, I hope to be back within the week with a little more to chat about. Until then, Enjoy the cooler days before winter arrives and drives us all back indoors, and remember, Life is way to short to worry your days away, Try and take deeps breaths and lean the other way!

Lost And Found

How are YOU today ?

Its been a LONG time since I posted, But I’m still here, alive and kicking. at least for now! Since losing my mom in January I’ve been kind of “Lost” and confused in what I want My remaining life to be. Its been going by so fast and my MORTAL compass feels like its been spinning, there’s so much I want to do and it feels like time moves faster and faster.

If you follow this Blog then you know of the Asthma and COPD, For the first time in 20 years I feel like I can BREATH!! I have a new Inhaler -Symbicort- and it has made breathing SO MUCH EASIER! However? even with GREAT insurance?…..the co-pay is $146.00, this makes me almost want to just throw in the towel….seriously? How are People that aren’t rich supposed to get by? >__<

My Art Process has been pretty absent for the most part, and after cleaning out my Moms apartment I feel like I need to purge more and more stuff, and although I have gotten rid of a few things I cant bring myself to just get rid of some of my materials….I need to try and use up whatever I CAN, and then what I simply do not use or find interest in I will have to re-home. It takes an artist SO many years to acquire most of the materials that to just toss them is  sacrilege. I have organized and re-organized my craft room, and now it could use it again….I sold My  Brother Scan N Cut and purchased the Scan N Cut 2, (selling one almost paid for the other one in full!)  It is still better than any other die cutter I have ever used, and YES better than the Silver Bullet! I only give My Honest opinion and I have only tried the Cricut Expression, the E Craft-well, And The Silver Bullet,  and even if someone offered me any of those for FREE I would say no thank-you, My Scan N Cut is THAT good!!

I am currently working on a Digital Download Planner for peeps Like me who kind of have nothing to “plan” 😉 but would like to be a part of the planner communities, I think it will be planner that will be more for FUN than one out of necessity.  We can  add our stickers and ephemera, most importantly though is to just jot down a few words about each day similar to a journal,BUT…. it will still have the calendar bits “just in case” you find there ARE a few things to Plan after all! and best of all it will be number free so you can keep re-using it after purchase! I will also include one with no background at all for those who want to really work from scratch and design their own. (The Pretty Parts Anyway!)

I have been working now for almost 2 years at the same Retail Establishment and Would like to offer some Kind advice, don’t stress out….it is NOT that important(Best Advice You Ever Gave Me Miss C!), just do your best and by that I mean don’t work yourself sick. In retail….our work is “never” done, and it will all be there again tomorrow , and we are needed even if seems like a throw away job, we are still needed. I have finally “Found” that I (yes ME) appreciate the Job that I do at work and everything outside of work as well,  “I” am happy. “I” can live with myself at the end of the day and know that I am a good person and will continue to try and be a better me than I was yesterday. And if that is all that carries me to the end of my Life? That’s OK, I can live with that and be at Peace.

 

Who The Hell Are You?

I’ve been asking myself that quite often lately. I haven’t posted in quite a long time. My life has been working and taking care of my moms needs….laundry, shopping and whatnot’s….

Let me tell you a bit about a part of “me”…I have spent my life with a Bi-Polar Mother, whom during the youngest years of my life went Undiagnosed, and whom through the rest of her life mostly refused to take the medication to help contain her anger. I am not alone when I say that I relentlessly tried to get her approval and/or adoration, and whom continually failed. I have three sisters and two brothers who all tried as well to no avail. Perhaps it is my youngest sister who seems to me the most damaged, but then again, the levels of damage are all over the place and off the charts at times.  I got pregnant at the age of 16, The young man (whom I Unfortunately married later) went to jail for a year, I lived out in the country a half mile from two corner convenience stores (corner stores) I had no drivers license, and no vehicle to drive anyway. My mother decided to teach me what it was truly like to raise kids and packed up her stuff and left me responsible for my 15 year old brother and 13 year old sister, as well as a baby to take care of, which I guess seems to be a horrific thing to do, but we had always fended for ourselves in most ways anyway, the only thing missing now was the money or lack thereof.

Let me stop that part of the story for now….. Later in life…..not much later, My mother decided that to work for a living was to much for her to do, and I started “caring” for her so to speak. she was “only” Bi Polar. but now SHE had no money, and My Husband took her on as my added baggage when we got together and married, so for 25 years? I have “swallowed” any and all anger, sorrow, ect. ect. Now I cant figure out who I am…..who I’m supposed to be….My mom died on January 8th 2016. I cant cry. “Who the HELL are YOU?!?” I ask my reflection daily. I am sad, angry, mortified, lost, guilty…..All the things she continued to give me with abundance, except….Me. Don’t get me wrong, I am a good person. I could have been a better mother to my own children I think, there are times I wish I had done more for them, but they are all doing well. At least I hope they are. This “RANT” is mostly for me I guess…..Just trying to answer so many questions left unanswered. I think my own soul probably already knows the answers, but I cant seem to get it out in the open?  I have my  Sisters, and mostly I have My Hero = My Husband, who is a Integral part of my life.

Yes. I am Damaged. Now…..I have a theory…..but not a proven fact….cant be (Why? because babies get sick and they don’t have the pent up emotions us grown-ups do)….For the last 25ish years I have been ill, I acquired  Asthma and Hashimotos Thyroiditis at 25? and it has continually escalated, I now have Asthma, Hashimotos, Acute Anemia, Arthritis, IBS, Hip Bursitis, Chronic Gastritis, depression, anxiety, Chronic Insomnia….ect…..My theory? what if its what I held shit in for so long? that I made myself sick…. like taking  a poison? I have heard that we only use a small percentage of our brains…..WTF? then why even have the other percentage? And if we completely reproduce our cells every 7 years, why do I still have Asthma? and Thyroid problems? Why did my mom hate kids and have 6? Why did she not give us to families that may have wanted us? Why did I take her on instead of getting as far away as possible? Why did I put my kids through having her around?  Why did she never let us get to know our grandparents (just the last 3 of us for that one) ? why was my father more like a robot then a real person with feelings? (more about him if I continue the first part of the story)

So, for those of you who read what I write…..I am lost…..I have not created any art since my mom died. I yelled at her back in July of 2015, and she became so much nicer to me. My Husband said I should have done that a LONG time ago. but I was forever afraid of her. I was afraid of making her have a breakdown or a stroke. (both had happened in those younger years) I didn’t want to essentially “kill” her. But she died anyway didn’t she. Now what…..I keep saying that….Now what?

If anyone wants to read about more of the younger years? Let me know. Or maybe I should Write a book like my oldest sister recommended. I can write down the pieces…. don’t know bout a whole book…..

Check These sites out that One of my online Dear Friend And Teacher Tamara Laporte Posted for us, I hope you find it helpful as well.

http://sideeffectspublicmedia.org/post/childhood-trauma-leads-brains-wired-fear?utm_content=buffer07b30&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201304/daughters-unloving-mothers-7-common-wounds

I Want To Be An Artist……..

Yes….I want to Draw Like Her…..I want to Shade Like He does…….I want to Create books Like the one I saw on so and so’s blog……Sound Familiar?

I have been struggling for the last few days, over buying a product that I saw demonstrated on YouTube…..Why? For some silly reason there is a little voice inside me that keeps saying  “If You buy those you’ll be an even BETTER artist!”  What a Crock! I keep doing this to myself over and over. I own so many art supplies, some which were quite expensive, and there is only ONE thing…..ONE……that has made me a better artist. PRACTICE. and that my friends….Is FREE.

Whether we like it or not, there is no magic supply, or tool that will make us  a master at anything we can create or do, unless we practice and play, take chances! make MISTAKES! I say this to myself as well as anyone that is listening (reading) !  I see many artists creating something and want to make what they are making, and although I may come close it will never happen, simply because I am ME, My art must also be MINE before I feel accomplished. BUT…it is perfectly OK to emulate someone else’s art, when we see something we like it Inspires us! it sparks something inside us ! Wakes our Creative Soul! This is a GOOD thing! Nothing you can buy will make you better at what you want to do other than the most basic tools in your Field, a regular pencil and lined paper and a lot of practice is enough to make you better at drawing for instance, you don’t need a drafting table, or the best pencils, or the most expensive ink, or a new set of windows, a huge studio, ect……Use your kitchen table, copy paper (or lined even!) , and a number 2 pencil!

My struggle with getting the newest and best supplies has brought me to see this flaw in my thinking, I still want the new pens, but I think I will just wait a while longer, and stew on this realization. I need to reset my sails I think!

I hope Your weekend was full of enjoyment!!

Perspective…..

I have not posted in a while, as I have been busy with less technology and more real life, sometimes we need to step away from all the computers and television and distractions that can subtract from the real stuff that’s out here.

Now…..onto the Perspective….. I worked at retail store and it was my first job in 10 years, and my first retail job. It was full of challenges and irritations, I was working more hours than I had planned as I only wanted part time and more often than not was working 40 hours a week or close to it.  I finally put in more job applications and low and behold got an interview! It was almost 2 dollars more an hour, and I went in as part time for real!

I have never been so shocked in my life. The other employees that were training me were rude, and unforgiving, I was only trained for 2 days before I was put on my own, I was told I would never work more than 15 minuets past my schedule which was a lie as you had to have “permission” to leave and sometimes that meant staying 2 hours or more past your scheduled time, You also had to have permission to go on break and lunch, and if you didn’t take your break and lunch you would get written up, well on my second day, I got my first break and hour late, my register was going to lock me out as it was almost 2 hours past my lunch, and I never got my second break. And the straw that broke the camels back? was the night they sent me to fold clothes, everyone left and forgot to give me permission to leave…..I had to find a night supervisor to get permission……How do you Leave a new person “out” there like that?  Not to mention it was required of me to get folks to acquire a credit card x2 and upgrade x2 every day or I would get a write up as well, I realize that sometimes in retail one might be required “ask” but no one told me I would have to shove it down someones throat, THAT I don’t approve of. It was to the point where my hands would go numb just thinking about going to work…..

Needless to say, I asked for my old job back….. I left on good terms and they were more than happy to take me back! ( whewww!!!)   I couldn’t be more happy, I now have the hours I wanted to begin with, they are always willing to work with me if I need a day off for something, Its a slower pace, when its time to go home? we go home! I have even gotten another job offer at a CRAFT store no less, and I don’t care to go anywhere else. I know now that the people that work here “get” me, they know I work hard, they know my limitations, and they no longer push me past that. Money is not everything, I am happy to make less just to be glad to go to work instead of terrified!

I also have a new Doctor, and I do NOT have Heart Disease, Nor do I have Diabetes. WHY I was diagnosed with the 2 I have no idea. I am getting a new Medication that helps with the depression from the diseases I DO have (as well as menopause) And it also helps with the pain…..I hope they figure out what it is…..I am looking at Fibromyalgia….I am not sure…but this pain in my joints can be pretty severe sometimes, and its only from the waist down, so I suppose it could be from my back, what I do know is that its INTENSE, and they have ruled out Lupas and RA, So we go from there.

I have been busy, doing life stuff of course, and working, I hope to soon do a flip of my Art Journals, but that has to be when my Hubby is at work, and I am alone as I feel strange enough talking to myself, never mind with someone  listening! 😉  I have done a small amount of crafting, but not much lately….I have to get right with myself first….But having the lesson I learned from Jobs? Has reminded me that sometimes we NEED a new Perspective, so that we can remember to appreciate what we have!

Hope Everyone Has a Lovely Weekend!!

The Elf Owl…..

And The Burrowing Owl are low light or daytime feeders……Never knew that, I thought all owls hunted at night….Well “this” old night owl is having to change things up a bit…..Now having to become a LOW light Owl! I have not had to get used to morning hours in a long time…..Ughhhh, but hey, On the bright side? for 2 bucks more an hour? Ill make do. But Its not easy changing old habits, I’m so used to staying up all hours of the night…..At least I have the sleeping pills so I “CAN” sleep at night, There are always more positives than negatives if you look at something from every angle.

I have put in 3 days now at my new job, but it has all been in a tiny room behind a computer, doing all the necessary training modules, that alone has me worn out. I didn’t know about all the other things a Cashier might have to do either…. 😉 an Elf Owl feigns death when frightened….think that would work for me too?  LOL! Nahhhh!! I’ll get just as used to this job as I did the last one. I didn’t assume this one would be any easier than the last one was, just different dancing shoes is all. I just hope I remember to breath, I’m always so tense to begin with…..

Art……I have once again let it slide, as I am now adjusting to a new schedule once again….I pray now that I will find it a bit more relaxing schedule and if not? well then I will get my car paid off faster, and if there is a chance to receive a 3 day a week schedule in the future? I will grab it and RUN! if not? eventually I suppose I will just quit trying…..Not my art of course….But for some reason…..I thought finding a 3 day a week job would be simple…..hmmmmm…..not so much….don’t get me wrong, It IS part time…..there are some days that I only work 4 hours…..but honestly? 3 eight hour days is what I was hoping for.

There hasn’t been much else going on in my world, I found a new Doctor and he took many vials of blood, and so far the results are in for 2 things, I don’t have Lupus or RA. Thanks goodness!! I will see him again next week and get the rest of my results.                              I am seriously considering Joining a nearby gym, perhaps all I need is to re-build any (most) lost muscle mass, It cant hurt……and they have full body massage chairs….the only thing that it’s lacking is a pool, that would be a great LOW impact workout. But…… filling all my time with all this………stuff…..is that good??? Are we suppose to be so busy? I suppose it cant be any worse than staying shut up in the house every day, still not getting a thing done…..We can complain about no time for anything, or we can find the time for the things that matter the most, either way? Wasted…or Busy…..Its still time, its still going to pass……Nothing will change that fact.

I hope your day is Blessed with Loved Ones, and Things You Love To Do! Have A Beautiful Weekend!! and Happy Mothers Day to all You Moms Out There!!

Looking forward, Being present…….

So again….its been a short while since I have posted, Much and little has been happening in this little life of mine. My Doctor…..whom I will not Return to, LAUGHED at me when I said I was feeling stressed….I have felt very unbalanced lately….depressed…..call it what ever you will but when it tips the scales and becomes severe? I feel I should mention it….and what do I get? LAUGHED at??….there’s nothing to help with that…..suck it up? Perhaps…..but sometimes even a gentle ear might help, or maybe even ask “why” do you feel tense? maybe its the symptoms of my conditions? perhaps its PTSD…….In any case? I am hoping a new Doctor may help….

In other news…..I got tired of getting too little or too many hours at my current job, One week I get 11 hours, then only 15, then back to 40? Nope……can’t keep doing that…..so I put in at least 15 applications, and I got a new job! making 2 more dollars an hour, and getting 24 to no more than 30 hours a week ( Just what I was Hoping for) , AND the place is only open from 10 am to 8 30 pm, so no more late hours, and NO more toilet cleaning!! I’m not so naive to think it will be perfect, but it couldn’t have been any worse than the job I am leaving behind.

My Art is slowly making a comeback, I painted one canvas, and I have been dipping into my art Journals, Got a Commission, and I am working on a new Art Piece…..I am pleased that I have been able to get back to “me” I NEED to make art….its like Oxygen for me……it has to happen or I feel as if I’m drowning. I Also need to continue creating my book about Art Journaling, I really think I can get it published…..but not if I don’t create it!!

I hope Your little corner of the world is filled with Cozy warm/cool things, and Happy thoughts!

Rescue from Pain!

My posts have been up and down….Battling Depression without medicine is sometimes a roller coaster.  For the record I am usually a much more positive personality, The pain has just made it more difficult than I had imagined.

Now…..Just since my last post, I started up my Nutri-bullet again, this time aiming for anti inflammation ingredients. I have to say, with all honesty……it is truly working. My hips are quiet enough at night for me to sleep, I could not just “quit” my sleeping pill, but I have cut it in half, No Tylenol or Motrin, No Alcohol. Just relief…..I have tears, and this time not from pain!

I also found a Web-site focused on the reasons for nutribullet reciepes, such as inflammation, digestion, energy ect….I am including the link:  https://www.nutriliving.com/recipes?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=nutriliving&utm_content=recipes&utm_term=nutribullet%20recipe%20book&gclid=CPvzsqTL2MQCFdcYgQod2zMA0Q

For the record though, I make my own drinks, but base them on the ingredients “for” specific needs, such as inflammation. I Highly recommend the Nutri-bullet, I have the 900 series and have had NO issues, and the blend has NO chunks AT ALL, its like drinking any other juice only its pure nutrition in a glass, only 1 glass a day….. You get the benefits of the whole fruit/vegetable, peel and all, I just slice,cut shave ect… never peel, sometimes the most useful nutrition IS the peel.

Anyway…..I know I have been more of a downer lately, and I wanted to give some POSITIVE energy! Never…..NEVER give up!

I Hope You Find Positivity Today!